


Something, Anything

by lizzy_stardust_18



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M, college fic, it's dear evan hansen u know what you're signing up for, it's just a character study basically, there are descriptions of mental illness but like, w softness thrown in at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-04-13 13:01:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14112897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizzy_stardust_18/pseuds/lizzy_stardust_18
Summary: “So this is gonna be a thing in college, too?” Connor gestured between the two of them. “This thing where I’m the only one who talks to you, even though I’m dead and I should have shut up forever a while ago?”





	Something, Anything

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me on tumblr if you want: https://lizzy-stardust-13.tumblr.com/

Four white walls, a white ceiling, and a white floor. His dorm was eerily reminiscent of a hospital room, which didn’t do much to lift his spirits as he hauled the last of his stuff into his room and said goodbye to his mother. He didn’t say anything about it so as not to worry her, but he felt his chest squeezing and he flashed back to his stay in the hospital after he broke his arm. He clutched the strap of his bag as a panic attack crashed over him, and he stood there for five minutes breathing in and out.

 

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, in.

 

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, out.

 

Repeat.

 

When he finally calmed down, he felt intensely drowsy, and after a brief staring contest with his still-folded sheets, he opted to simply nap on the bare mattress rather than go to the trouble of putting the sheets on first.  

 

His bag hit the floor with a muffled thump as he curled up on the mattress. He stared absentmindedly at the empty bed on the other side of the room. He was supposed to have had a roommate, but whoever had been assigned to his room had moved dorms last minute and the college hadn’t assigned anyone in their place. He wanted to be glad that he wouldn’t have to introduce himself to a new person with his shaky, sweaty hands and stammering words, but instead he just felt hollow. Having a roommate would have been like having a friend. A mandatory, live-in friend that he might not even have liked, but a friend nonetheless.

 

At that thought, his mind supplied him with the image of Jared’s face at graduation, the very last time they had spoken. He and Jared hadn’t been the same since their fight earlier in the year. Evan’s words had cut Jared deep, in a way he’d never intended for them to, and repairing the friendship had been difficult to say the least. Evan had apologized profusely after their falling out, and while Jared had accepted his apologies, their interactions from then on had been awkward and far more formal than before. It was much easier to fix his bond with Jared, however, than it had been to make amends with Alana. She had been devastated to find out that he was lying about his friendship with Connor, and the only thing that had kept her from exposing his secret to the entire world was the fact that they had managed to do more good with a lie than with the truth about Connor’s death. Still, it had killed her to keep the lie alive, and Evan knew he could never truly make that up to her. But at graduation, she had given him a kiss on the cheek after she’d given her valedictorian speech, and Jared had given him a hug at the end of the ceremony, so Evan supposed he had managed to keep those friendships alive after all.

 

Still, he knew they would both be very busy at their own respective colleges, and he had the feeling that he shouldn’t bother them about his issues, even though they’d likely listen. He didn’t exactly deserve their support right now. Maybe being lonely was exactly what he needed right now. His penance for what he’d done wasn’t yet over, not by a long shot. He got the sense he’d pay for his lie for the rest of his life. At that thought, he felt a lump rise in his throat, but no tears came. Perhaps he was too exhausted to cry. He closed his eyes. He didn’t have to worry about anything yet, not even moving all the way into his room. He could just lie there indefinitely, waiting for sleep to take him away.

 

Just as he felt himself drifting off, he heard the doorknob rattle. He jolted upward, his stomach dropping with dread. He racked his brain, trying to remember who could possibly want to come in, but he drew a blank. He sat up and held his breath as the person walked into the room and slowly exhaled when he realized it was Connor Murphy, who was surveying the room with a disinterested look on his face, as though he didn’t care that he was walking into Evan’s room after months of radio silence between them. When Connor finished his silent assessment of the room, he turned to Evan and raised an eyebrow.

 

“So this is gonna be a thing in college, too?” Connor gestured between the two of them. “This thing where I’m the only one who talks to you, even though I’m dead and I should have shut up forever a while ago?” Evan didn’t reply. Connor scoffed. “Figures.” He sat down on the bed on the other side of the room, his eyes locked on Evan. He didn’t make eye contact with Connor. He didn’t know what to say. After so many months of Connor not speaking to him, Evan had started to think that he was gone forever. It wasn’t as though Evan would have missed talking to a dead guy, but there had been a brief period, after the fallout over the emails, when Connor would talk to him every night, and while he didn’t exactly provide consolation, he had kept Evan from being completely alone, and that was something.

 

Evan twiddled his thumbs nervously. “You’re here,” he said. Connor nodded. “I didn’t think you’d come back.” Connor flicked his eyes to the ceiling and then back to Evan.

 

“Why, cause we fought? Dude, I fight with everyone, if you hadn’t noticed in all the time you went to school with me.”

 

“You didn’t fight with me when, well, you know…”

 

“You were boning my sister?” Connor asked, raising an eyebrow. Evan blanched.

 

“I didn’t--no! We never did anything like--” Evan sputtered, and Connor cackled as Evan grew more and more flustered.

 

“I’m just fucking with you, dude. I know you’re gonna be a boring virgin until you finally join me in the dirt.” Evan rolled his eyes.

 

“Like you didn’t die a virgin,” Evan fired back. He instantly regretted saying it, and he opened his mouth to apologize when Connor threw back his head and howled with laughter.

 

“Damn! Evan Hansen finally grew some balls and dished it right back at me! Therapy must be really helping you grow a spine, dude. Speaking of which,” Connor said with a gleam in his eye, “are you still writing those weird letters to yourself? ‘Dear Evan Hansen, today’s gonna be a good day because I have enough lotion to beat my d--’”

 

“Stop it, Connor!” Evan burst out, his face turning bright red. Connor dissolved into peals of laughter. Evan felt his stomach twist. He wished Connor wouldn’t bring up the letters.

 

“Oh, man, it’s so easy to mess with you,” Connor said. “If I’d known how fucking funny you are when you get flustered, I would have hung out with you while I was alive.” The words cut through Evan, and he folded his arms over himself and stared into a corner, averting his eyes away from Connor. “Oh no,” Connor sighed, “what’s wrong now?”

 

“Sometimes I…” Evan struggled to find the right words, “I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t written that letter. I-I think about what you did that day and I think maybe if you hadn’t seen that letter, you might have...you know…”

 

“Not killed myself?” Connor finished his sentence for him. “Are you serious? Please don’t tell me you blame yourself for that.”

 

“But if it hadn't upset you-”

 

“I was halfway gone already when I found the letter, Evan.” Connor stood up and crossed the room towards Evan. He sat unceremoniously on Evan’s bed and put a hand on his shoulder. “The letter upset me because I realized that my sister was adored by complete strangers while I would die without anyone missing me at all. It had nothing to do with you.”

 

“Your parents miss you,” Evan said.

 

Connor scoffed. “They miss having a son. But they don’t miss me. No one does.”

 

“How can you say that?”

 

“Think about it, Evan. Do you really think Zoe misses me? Do you think anyone we went to school with misses me? No, they sure as hell don’t. Do you know why? Because I’m an asshole, and the best thing I ever did for the world was die. And you can’t even argue with that, because it’s objectively true.”

 

Evan froze and looked up at Connor. “Connor, stop,” Evan whispered.

 

“You know it’s true, Evan. I’d fucked up my life beyond repair, and the only good I ever did for anyone was after I died.” Evan couldn’t stand to hear Connor talk like that, especially knowing that Evan had had thoughts directly along the lines of what Connor was saying, (although Evan would never admit to it.)

 

“That wasn’t something _you_ did, though,” Evan said. “The Connor Project was about you, but it was _my_ accomplishment, along with Jared and Alana and everyone who participated in it. Did it do good things? Yes. But were they worth your life?” Evan shook his head. “No.” He reached out and gently grabbed the sleeve of Connor’s jacket. Avoiding Connor’s gaze, which was now fixed directly on his face, Evan continued in barely a whisper. “I would trade that orchard for you with-without a second thought.”

 

Connor looked speechless. He clearly hadn’t anticipated that Evan wouldn’t let him use his own death or the Connor Project to beat up on himself. He didn’t say anything in response, so Evan continued. “I know you think I fixed your life or made you seem like a better person after you died or whatever, but I didn’t.”

 

“You did more with my life than I ever did,” Connor said.

 

“Is that really something you’d say?”

 

“What the hell do you know about what I’d say?” Connor said, suddenly standing up. “You didn’t fucking know me, and you still don’t.” Connor spun on his heel and Evan reached out to try to stop him.

 

“Connor, wait. Don’t leave.” Connor froze in his tracks, but not in response to Evan’s pleading. His eyes were fixed on one of the smaller boxes on the floor. Its lid was askew and the titles of several of the books it held were visible from above. Connor knelt in front of the box.

 

“Are these--” Connor opened the box and gaped at the book titles. Evan stood up and crossed the room over to him.

 

“They said these were your ten favorite books.” Evan knelt by Connor and tentatively put a hand on his shoulder. “I know I don’t know you, Connor. But I wish I did. I wish you had reached out. I would have understood what you were dealing with. God, I would have understood. I wish you hadn’t felt so alone that you felt hopeless enough to end it all.” Evan’s eyes were now swimming with tears. “Maybe you weren’t the best person, Connor, but you meant something. And now you’re gone and nothing I can do can ever make that better.” Evan choked back a sob, and Connor stared at him with an unreadable expression on his face.

 

“You certainly tried as hard as you could to make it better,” Connor said.

 

“But it wasn’t enough. Connor, no matter how much I did with the project, it still couldn’t measure up to what you could have done.” Connor scoffed, and Evan pushed forward. “You screwed up a lot, but you could have turned around, damn it, you could have done something, you could have done anything! And now...now you can’t. Now you can’t do something. Now you can’t do anything. And there’s not a day I don’t wish you were still alive. I-I miss you.” Evan began to cry in earnest, not even trying to conceal his tears. Connor stared at him for several seconds before he stood up again. He walked over to Evan’s pile of still-packed stuff and pulled out his pillow and blanket and carried them over to Evan’s bed. He then returned to Evan’s side and gently wiped the tears off of Evan’s face with his fingertips. He reached down and took Evan’s hand and motioned for him to stand up.

 

“Connor, what are you doing?” Evan asked.

 

“Something,” Connor responded, sitting on Evan’s bed and motioning for him to join him. Evan did, and Connor shifted until he was behind Evan. His arms circled Evan’s waist and folded over his chest. Evan’s breath hitched and tears threatened to fall down his cheeks again. He didn’t know which one of them lay down first, all he knew was that his head was soon resting on his pillow, with Connor’s chin tucked into his shoulder and his arms wrapped tight around him.

 

“Stay here, please,” he whispered, even though he knew Connor would be gone by the time he woke up.

 

He felt Connor’s lips brush against his temple as Connor murmured his reply. “I’ll do anything you need me to do.” Evan threaded his fingers through Connor’s and squeezed his hands.

 

_“I’ll do anything.”_

  
  
  
  



End file.
